fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
