I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
