i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
