oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
