seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
