I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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