remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I will be naked everywhere
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
