I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize