1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
