remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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