There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
