I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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