id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize