I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
