i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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