So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
