remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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