I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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