textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Randomize
