New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I think a kid would responsible me up
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
