I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
