i wish my penis had a tongue
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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