Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
