He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
