would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I cannot find my penis.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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