OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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