don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
