She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
