My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
