Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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