1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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