The maid of honor just puked.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
