I want to have your abortion
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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