there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
