Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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