You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
