Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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