my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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