i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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