the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
