My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
