she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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