Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
