yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
