ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
