Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
