....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
