if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
