u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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