my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
