we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
