I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
