I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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