Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize