I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
