My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
