Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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