I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
