my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
