from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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