I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
