I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
