i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
