I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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